digs

i took this ink-blot test from tickle.com.  of all the countless tests that they have, i thought it would be fun just looking at stuff. turns out, the test had 56 pages. kapagod! patawa ang results.

( talaga lang ah.. )

today, today, today.

just tell me what the deal is!

i'm all fucked up.

OH. MY. GOD.

I. HATE. YOU.

i just read my whole lj journal and it seems that this is my only repository for my depression, frustrations, and sometimes, anger.

and here i am again writing the same old story, the same old lines, the same old characters. it sucks i know. it's been three years already but still, after years of practicing NOT to be that same old me, i'm back. and here it goes again.


I.

DON'T.

KNOW.

my life right now, like it was years ago, has a new villain. i know the person and the person knows me. i'm still not sure if we are rivals in this game. but i know all about this person. just a little too well to know that this person IS the rival.
i'll scheme to get you out of our lives. i'll do whatever it takes. most of all, you'll never know that it was me.


ps: i'm listening to james blunt again after three years. now i know why.

nothing new here. damn. i wish i'd have the patience of posting pics here like i did in my blogspot again. o well. anyway. ciao.

( wanna see more? )

I’ll be dead honest. I know that I have not posted here since last month. Actually, I don't have any plans anymore to post here. But certain things have happened during the past weeks that I think an entry is appropriate. All the names will be here. I will have no apologies. This post is a little random, a little messy. My thoughts seem to move faster than my fingers.

I have read my last posts. And I admit it's a desperate cry for help. Like I have said in my previous entries, I never share what I’m going through. First of all because I think it's all too private for me to divulge here. Though I know that only a few select people visit my blog, it's still hard for me to be frank and straight enough to reveal everything here.

Let me start with this. For the past month, I have fallen into the pit of depression. And it sucks to know that for the first time, it's the kind of depression that I just can't deal with. I have been depressed during these months for the past years. All those three years I can handle, but this time, I just can't. Everything seemed to have fallen out of place and I cannot control what's happening. The thought that I am graduating gave me cold feet; that finally I’m old enough to think about life after school, work and everything. And the fact that my thesis hasn't even started, which is to be submitted in a month, is not at all helping.

I love doing my ojt. It just keeps me occupied with things. But it just became too mechanical. There’s no excitement. The first weeks were exciting. But after a few weeks of waking up early, going home and doing the same thing for the next weeks torments me. I thought I just needed a touchstone where I can check what's happening outside my ojt world. And I thought I can count on Yuri for that. But every time I come home, it's either he's not home yet or he's there but busy with something else. Something else that it's worth the next paragraph. So that's what I needed.

My depression also forced me to go to church everyday to ask for strength, courage and acceptance. And I have to admit, I have been harboring this ill feeling on why it takes too long for Him to give that to me. I have asked Him to let me cry so that I can just vent everything I’m feeling. I have asked Him to make me function properly - to not let my emotions manifest itself on the physical level. Because frankly, even my friends now have noticed that's something's going on and I hate that. I also hate the fact that some people just ask if I’m ok just to be polite - I detest that. I asked Him also to give me the peace of mind just when I’m about to sleep so that I don't have to drink 4-5 bottles a night just to numb myself and let me sleep. But my prayers were not answered and I can say that for the first time, I have questioned Him.

It also makes me sad that the first person who knew what I’m going through is living thousand and thousand of miles away. Thank you pres. she called me just when I was about to lose my sanity. Before she called, I broke down while doing my laundry. I told her how ironic it was that she was living thousands of miles away but she was first to hear my heart. While friends here, especially Yuri, has been busy with something else. It made me so sad but at the same time so thankful that at least my soulfriend has called me. I told everything to her. I told her how I hate what's happening to me and how I hate my life and myself for being too affected to function properly.

What also makes me sad is the fact that the person who noticed that I am going through something was the least person I expected to be. I am living with Yuri, yet he still wouldn't even nudge. I don't know if I’m blinded with what I’m going through but I never felt like he cared at all, and that's the truth.
Well, according to what I heard, japs told banner what little I told her about what I’m going through. When banner knew this, he was there ready to make me happy. He planned for the four of us, japs, him, Yuri and me for a drinking night. And when he knew that I still wouldn't open my mouth except when I’m drinking booze, he told us all to get dressed. He took us all to tagaytay. I never felt more touched by the gesture he made. Like what happened with pres, of all people, I never expected someone who will go out of their way to at least console me. Thankfully he did. Though I really did not feel lighter, at least it made me happy that some unexpected person went out of his way for me.

Weeks went on with the depression. At least, during these weeks, I was able to find comfort and solace with japs. I told her everything. How pissed off I am. How everything just ticks me off. I asked her to call me and she did. What happened was that I ended up talking to her mom. It was a relief because I was able to vent my frustrations with God to her. And the misery I am feeling. I told about myself questioning everything in my life right now. She did not solve my problems but what she said was really helpful. I was able to clear my mind for the next few hours and a day.

Last week also was my birthday. I guess I was so deep in the pit of depression that I did not notice it until my tita reminded me about it. she asked what I’m gonna do on my birthday and I just answered nothing, just work and go on with my life, without really reveling about gaining another (miserable) year in my life. I guess it was also a good thing that rr planned his despedida party to be held in my house. I just asked him one favor - not to invite Michelle. he promised and I was all go. until I came home and found Michelle sitting on my sofa. I promised myself that someone as despicable as she would never step inside my house. I don't know how to react. I was there, she was there. I immediately retreated to my aunt's house and there I spent quite a few minutes trying to regain control of myself again. I don't want to ruin the night for rr. and I don't want to ruin my mood on my birthday. on my house. on my turf. so I just let it slip by. no blood was shed. thankfully. no hurting words were stranded in the air. I just made my point clear. that she is not, and I think never will be welcome in my house - not today, not ever. when she went home, she kissed me on the cheek. I honestly thought I saw Judas. so now I’m left wondering - am I to be sold for a few satchels of gold and be nailed to the cross sometime this month? let's see.

Friday, the day after my birthday, I never thought it would happen. after work, banner called me up and asked what time I am going home. he said that something came up and that we should meet at Jd's house. so I went home early. and ironic as it is, banner and jen and I came home at the same time. I went up immediately just to get dressed - no washing, no baths, no toothbrush. then we went to jd's house, with banner driving and Yuri and jen at the backseat. I wondered that if the meeting was that urgent, why were we the first people there. I brushed it off and just thought they were left. jd's mom asked me how my birthday went and honestly I said that it was "malungkot" I immediately regretted having said that because when jd came in, she told everyone what I said. tita was preparing the table for food when I thought it best to get a little sleep. I rested my head on the sofa and had my forty-winks. suddenly I heard the happy birthday song and it never really occurred to me that it was a surprise until I saw the cake and eka.
I was delighted, touched and happy to see friends that night. they invited a lot of people but only a handful came. that's a good thing for me since I’m really not in my socializing self. only the few, select and most trusted friends were there. and I want to take this opportunity to thank them all.

abner - for planning everything. I thought the tagaytay thing was good, but you made it better with this.
Yuri - for helping banner plan the special day for me. loved the cake too!
jd - for the place and for the good company.
tita yolly - jd's mom has got it going on! loved the food you served and love your big heart! thank you!
cheska - for all the times you didn't come to our get togethers, your presence on that day made up for it big time.
pao - though I don't see you during the times we were supposed to see each other, you still went out of you way to celebrate with me.
jen - for the cake and for the presence. but the latter seemed to have the most impact on me.
Erika - I know that going out on a night like that is hard for you. I am touched that you spent it with me and happy that you were there.
Angela - you heard almost half of what I’m going through and it's nice to see you there.
jelz - for being there with me on my day even if we really are not that close.

on that day, I got my answered prayer. I got my friends to cover me and to make me happy. although the pangs of depression still lurk inside my head and insanity is just around the corner, at least for two weeks, my life was bearable and livable.

earlier today, I went to the cemetery to visit my father. if not for the many people there, I would have broken into songs of lamentations and frustrations, of heartache and loneliness, of the spurts of happiness and lucidity. I was all ok that Yuri did not go with me again. I think it just not his thing. but when I came back and found him at my back while getting my things from the car telling me that he's going "somewhere" ticked me off big-time. it came to me as he was so excited to go that he can't wait for me to get home. and the fact that when I asked him if he wanted to go with me to the cemetery but turned off by his reasons for not coming, I can't help feeling pissed. he doesn't even have the slightest "pakiramdam" that he just turned me down with an excuse for not going and yet right when I come back he's going somewhere. at least have the slightest, smallest, tiniest respect for what he did. he could have waited a little longer for me to at least settle down.
I know he has his life and I have mine. I just thought he be more of a friend and a little more sensitive. I couldn't give a damn who he's meeting. (and the stuttering when I asked him where he's going doesn't really help at all.)
I am just thinking about the fact that we were able to bond together again for the last few days of vacation. and I think I can take that.

For now, I cannot say that I’m finally ok because I know I’m far from it. all I can say is that at last my head is finally floating above the waters and I can think a little clearly.

And o, don’t go looking for any paragraphs about my hatred for Michelle. You won't find any. I don't think she's even worth a word in my blog. I just mentioned her for story telling purposes.

ciao!

teach me how not to feel
every pinch in my chest
each time i think of you.

teach me how not to be lonely
everytime i think of the happinness
that's overwhelming you now

teach me to numb all these senses
that forces myself to negatively think;
that is always desperate for you.

teach me how not to feel alone
in the flurry of things that is all around me.
and i'm trapped in this merriment
that is fake.

please teach me how not to love you
anymore.
though my head always says leave
but my heart would always do otherwise.

teach me how to forget
everything that you have said;
those memories we have shared
is slowly becoming just mere memories.

and please teach me to forget
about love.
the love that has made me this cold
desperate, alone
and miserable.

i've finally said my piece. though it's not the way i planned it to be, at long last, i've said my piece. and now, the journey begins anew.

i have stared to oblivion for many hours. too many words, too many stories, too many things have been put to flight and stranded in air; waiting for me to piece them all together and make sense of what seemed like hieroglyphics.

the burden i am carrying has been shared. it's lighter now. but the purpose of all these has been twisted to weird shapes and sizes that now i think i am back in square one.
at least i was able to maintain yesterday's status quo. and for now, that's good enough for me.

paano ko nagagawang saktan ang sarili ko paulit ulit?

gusto ko munang magpasalamat dahil sa ginawa mong iyan, mas naging madali sa akin ang iwan ka. ngayon, hindi na ako aasa pang muli at hindi na rin ako maapektuhan sa kahit anong paraan. tapos na siguro ang aking pagpaparaya kaya't sa lahat ng ito, salamat ng marami.

sa umpisa pa lang, marahil, alam ko nang hindi mo kayang tapatan ang nararamdaman ko. siguro dahil pinili kong itikom na lamang ang aking bibig at hayaan kitang saktan ako sa katahimikan. sigruo rin ay dahil natatakot ka, hindi ko lang alam. at hindi ko rin alam kung totoo ka sa sinasabi mo.

maraming pagkakataon ko na ring kinalimutan ang sarili ko para sa iyo. pero huwag kang magkamaling isipin na sinusumbat ko ito sayo. pinili ko ang ganito kaya't walang iba akong dapat sisihin kundi ang sarili ko. ang tanga ko nga lang dahil pinalampas ko ang pagkakataong ako naman ang lumigaya; na pillin kita sa halip na sa isang kaligayahan na di ko na maibabalik pa.

noon, nilasap ko ang panandaliang pagwawagi sa labanang ito. ngunit sa lahat ng iyon, alam ko, na sa isang minuto kaya mong tumalikod at tumakbo sa kabilang direksyon. at ngayon na nga marahil ang pagkakataong ito. walang pasubali mo akong nilisan.

sa panandaliang panahon, nagpakabulag ako sa mga nararamdaman ko. mangmang ako sa pagiisip na sapat na ako. baliw ako sa pagaakalang malayo nang mangyari ang kinatatakutan ko.

nawiwindang ako sa mga sinasabi mo. paano ito nagiging totoo kung iba ang iyong ginagawa? paano mo ito napatutunayan kung salungat ito sa mga kilos mo? hindi ko tuloy alam kung ako ba o ikaw ang magulo ang utak.

ngunit sa lahat ng ito, bukas naman ang aking isip sa mga ito. at kahit hindi pa ako gaanong ka-sigurado, pipiliin ko ang iwan na kitang talaga. tapos na ang pagiging masokista ko. tapos na ang paghihintay ko. tapos na ang mabababang araw ko.

at nagpapasalamat ako dahil kahit papaano, mas naging maluwag sa akin ang iwan ka.


... samahan mo ako mamaya. lalabas tayo. magpapahinga, magtatanggal ng mga tensyon sa ulo. at sana sa aking pag uwi, kasama sa bawat hiblay ng suka ang aking pamamaalam...

dang. its been long since i last posted here. anyway, i like it here. no one reads this. so here it goes.

i know the feeling is gone. i just know it. but when IT comes back again. i go back to my other self. i return a needing-longing-wanting person. how can this be? i thought i got over it already since the last 293847 years. and after the encounter i know i want it back. i just don't know what i want back. is it that or is it just the feeling of being with it.

after careful evaluation, i think i've come to a good enough answer. maybe it's me. i just get so attached and moving on seems a far fetched reality for me. yeah. i guess that's it. i, although unknowingly, hold tight to the past. and each day that past keeps haunting me. it follows me everywhere i go, everytime i feel something and everything that i see something. then i realize that it's happening again. but i still continue what i'm doing. it's such a vicious cycle. and it keeps on ripping me inside.

i just think to myself that when i'm gone, maybe, just maybe, you'll remember me. but how come when i'm still here and you're doing what you're doing? can't you feel anything? i'm trying very hard just for you to notice. or are you just as hard as your pride? dammit.

and the wait grows longer. when will it be? when will you be? when will i be? as each minute progresses, my agony continues. as each day passes, my anxiety grows.

my reality is different from your reality. but i try to get into your reality to make it mine. still you extract yourself away from it. what's the matter? is it me? is it you? is it thought of it that frightens you?

please somebody answer me.

like i said, im feeling so pissed... so i decided to channel those pent up emotions to something more productive.. i did my laundry and all those energy focused on thinking about things that tick me off went to those stains and dirt that's on my laundry.
thank god those shirts can't talk.

i dont know what the fuck is wrong with me.. last night i posted the thing about me being ok but i woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning and everything just didn't felt right and i was actually pissed..
what the fuck is wrong?!
maybe i know what it is but i'm still contemplating.

a flying fuck to you asshole!

just now, i was grossly irritated and pissed. he left in the middle of the night to go to her just because. when i asked him a favor of going with me to my father's grave, it took such a long time to convince him AND still didn't go. or just the simple thing of accompanying me to my granny's house to please her and let her stop nagging me about my bills. i just needed support. i guess i could NEVER count on him for that. and that girl is such a... sheesh, words could not even describe her. she is so sly (an understatement)

pasimple ka. at nakakairita na. you are the great tormentor. i just wish you have a happy life.

god. and im still good.

minsan iniisip ko kung ok ka sa buhay ko. if i can rely on you on some things. sabi mo magsabi lang ako. mahirap na pala.

ewan..

Your Deadly Sins

Gluttony: 100%

Envy: 80%

Greed: 60%

Wrath: 60%

Sloth: 40%

Pride: 20%

Lust: 0%

Chance You'll Go to Hell: 51%

You'll die choking on a cookie in bed.

hey pres! gluttony is really one of my assets... hahahahhaha!

bryanreyes's Word Usage

1. the (39) 26. this (6) 51. lungs (3) 76. other (2) 2. you (36) 27. there (6) 52. also (3) 77. family (2) 3. and (34) 28. blood (5) 53. home (3) 78. at (2) 4. to (28) 29. but (5) 54. way (3) 79. room (2) 5. i (27) 30. do (5) 55. hard (3) 80. bigtime (2) 6. a (17) 31. when (5) 56. ask (3) 81. by (2) 7. my (16) 32. unfair (4) 57. friends (3) 82. especially (2) 8. is (16) 33. how (4) 58. again (3) 83. comes (2) 9. are (14) 34. me (4) 59. since (3) 84. dammit (2) 10. on (14) 35. as (4) 60. hospital (3) 85. like (2) 11. life (11) 36. think (4) 61. be (3) 86. michelle (2) 12. her (11) 37. mok (4) 62. go (3) 87. still (2) 13. it (9) 38. not (4) 63. boyfriend (3) 88. while (2) 14. for (9) 39. cruel (4) 64. if (3) 89. side (2) 15. was (8) 40. would (4) 65. told (3) 90. what (2) 16. now (8) 41. red (4) 66. time (3) 91. bitch (2) 17. of (8) 42. his (4) 67. such (2) 92. with (2) 18. love (7) 43. right (4) 68. stabbed (2) 93. good (2) 19. have (7) 44. cheska (3) 69. going (2) 94. made (2) 20. just (7) 45. same (3) 70. see (2) 95. responsibility (2) 21. in (7) 46. dear (3) 71. their (2) 96. others (2) 22. all (7) 47. tried (3) 72. because (2) 97. what's (2) 23. that (7) 48. very (3) 73. thought (2) 98. them (2) 24. your (7) 49. better (3) 74. head (2) 99. were (2) 25. things (6) 50. she (3) 75. immediately (2) 100. no (2)

Username: Word Count by Hutta.

its amazing how i use the "I" so frequently.. but what shocked me most was "YOU" came first... hmm, something to think about, huh.. and guess what, i used "LOVE" only 7 times.. now that's really me..

ciao!

there are things in my life that i think i would not be able to do on my own. if i was in a comma, and there is only a bleak sign that i would ever live again, what would i do? i suppose would have to ask one of my family or friends to unplug my life support. this sure is hard. having to put the responsibility to someone else. especially for me, when i have a hard time designating responsibility to others. so i made this list: 5 people who i trust my life, and death, to.

1. mommy
2. janna and daryll
3. pres and yuri
* macky and rr

now i guess you do the same. let's see how and if you could entrust your life, and death to your family and/or friends.

very Very VERY disturbing movie...

this girl i made up - sarah - to frighten my young cousins can now be seen as jodie..
dammit...